Fainted Apperance .

I miss something that I never had in the first place . Honestly I think I miss what everyone's definition of a father is . I never had one and sometimes running into his arms , actually having that male figure in my life is what I need at the time but being seventeen years old , it feels like its too late . I wanna feel loved by him and I don't , never had that connection between us because while I was tryna build that relationship , he was trying to break it down . He didn' want that for us , he doesn't appericate his one and only daughter . Listening to other father stories from friends of mine sometimes hurt , never would I be able to say something like that and to think about my wedding in the future kills me . The roll of your father walking you down the aile is a symbol of him guiding you all your life to that point and handing you off to be a woman , his first time not being the only man in your life but does it even matter cause mine was never there for school activities, cheerleading games, graduations, bike rides, or anything that I got myself into. So someone please tell me why I would invite this fake ass father that I love and hate so much at the same time to my highschool graduation or wedding . It wasn't like he helped with anything at all, doesn't even remember my birthday or better yet can't spell my name . To be honest I miss something that I never had in the first place cause even when it was right infront of my face and he was standing directly next to me . . . it felt like he was a million miles away .

The Difference .

" I just can't worry about the future

for us, when I cherish the moments

that we spend together now " .

Nicki Minaj : The Baddest .

Baddest in the game right now and

killing off every female and most of the male

rappers right about now. My favorite rapper

no doubt about that one .

Concrete Feelings .

The amout of people we have in our lives are countless but throughout our time we are unable to keep those people and the relationships do fail at times and are not able to be renewed . I believe people are in our lives for a reason and that they are lessons even when we don't notice it . They teach us how to or not to act, lep us learn about ourselves, how friendships should be and even expose us to how we like to feel . So when I lose a friend I don't consider it a lost, I consider it a gain because our friendship or relationship may have ran its course but the things that I got out of it and the things that the person may have taught me or shown me is definitly permant.

Discovered that the quote "the bigger your heart is. the easier it is to break" bothers me because my heart is pretty huge and has yet to be broken. I feel it doesn't matter the size heart you have, everyone is eligable to be hurt . It doesn't apply to a specific group of people .

Surrrppprrisssseee :]]

Operation Surprise Birthday Party : Success !

Spent the last two days stressing about how I was gonna pull off my Mommy's 44th Surprise Birthday Party but I did it and she was completely shocked . Thanks to my godsister , my little sister , my cousin and my aunt and all our family and friends that came tonight , it was a HUGE success . I'm so happy because my mother was really appericative , she enjoyed herself alot and she deserved all the time , effort , money and love put into it . She's the best and i'm glad that she had a good birthday like I was praying it would be .

I'm very happy to say I threw my mom her first birthday party .

but even happier to sayy . . . .

Happy Birthday To The Best Mother Ever !

Before and After .

I look back on the events and the stages that have helped me grown throughout my life . The ways I used to act, the things I used to do, people I used to surround myself with and the feelings that I used to wanna feel . How I used to long for certain things that were so unnessacary , now that I look back on it . How I've gotten hurt by the desire for the things that never had any type of desire for me or better yet how I lusted for moments and when they were finally handed to me , it was no where what I imagined . Phases that I used to go through to get to the point where I'm at now . How I was a push over , used to be the girl that everyone took my kindness of weakness . The bridge from one side to another , where people just abused, never appericated but continued to walk over as if I or as I should say I didnt matter . How I deprived myself of self esteem because my hair wasn't as long as it used to be or I wasn't as light or pretty as the others , like it mattered one bit because my personality was greater then anyone's looks but yet I was blinded by the obvious and couldn't see the things that aren't shown if you don't look .

But now , I march to my own beat and I don't hang out at certain places or do certain things because everyone is doing it or if I shall it's my decision and wasn't influenced by anyother . How I surrond myself with postive friends and great inspirations that not only push me in the right direction but listen in the time of need to be heard . I do not lay down as that bridge now but I am the rope that keeps it up and can easily untie it's self when felt unappericated and then no one can get across unless I am willing to tie myself again . How I don't worry about another's beautiful eyes or gorgeous smile but can see the ugliest out of the most beautifulest people and most importantly how I am able to not long for certain things that will not long for me . I am able to pick and choose my battles , learn that certain things will not be the way i've imagined and I am able to except that even if the pain is forever .

I look back on the phases of my life and what it used to be and I'm able to laugh and enjoy what I've become now , even in my constant stage of growth and think to myself I never ever wanna be that girl that I once was but I thank her because she made me what I am now .

Pause The Earth . . For A Split Second .

The hype is too much . I need to be in a place where I'm anonymous . I can blend in into the crowd without having to stand out , be apart of the normal life without comments of doubt . The life I live and the people I face would be simple and that's okay for me . Attention is not all what it's hyped up to be , so I allow myself to stand in the back of the room and wait for my turn . I listen more then I speak so that sometimes I won't be heard because words do get twisted into something you might or might have not said . I'd rather not take that chance . I don't want a re-do and I don't want to start over but sometimes when I think about the place and the people that surround me and everyone's flaws. A place , my secret place sounds really good . A place that I run to when I feel like a break is well needed or some peace of mind that can be provided . I lay down and sometimes I wish that someone would just for a split second . . . . take me away .

And The Reality Of It Is . . .

The world is a cruel place filled with rude and inconsiderate people . The type of people that fail to realize that other people have feelings too but they are quick to hurt yours but don't want theirs hurt in the process . It's a mean world out there , a place that's way bigger then me with less heart then me and not as much humbleness as me . It would be so simple if the world and the people in it focused on themselves instead of trying to tear someone else down . I'm so grateful that I'm strong enough to be bruised but never broken . I thank my mother for that trait .

Goodmorning August (:

I must admit . . . .

I'm kind of glad that your here .

Leave It At Maybe .

Seems like everytime I talk about someone that I have feelings
for on my blogspot , it never workss . So this time I won't say any
names or anything like that but I think I found something that's
worth holding on too , so cross your fingers this works out but of
course if anything interesting happens it will be posted .

So MAYBE this could be the start of something new for us .
but we won't ruin it . . . . . . . we'll just keep it as just maybe .

Narrow Road .

The path that I walks doesn't look so narrow anymore and certain things don't have the effect that it used to on me . Not in crazy competition with my past like I used to be, worrying about things that I can control is what I will NOT do anymore . Life has new things instore every second of every hour in every day and dwelling on the past with not lead me foward . Memories can not be memories if I'm always trying to relive the moment . The path I walk isn't so narrow anymore , actually it looks pretty bright . Can't wait to see all the things that will catch my eye in the future .